I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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