so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
