you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i've created a new STD.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
