I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
