i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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