I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
