gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
