If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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