i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
