i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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