my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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