I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
