I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
