3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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