he was CRYING into my vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
