She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my being single is dangerous.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
