i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is Oprah even human
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
