I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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