I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
the liver wants what the liver wants
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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