I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
