and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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