We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
