i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
