"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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