would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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