I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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