My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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