walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
