Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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