why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
