God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
