turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
