I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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