awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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