i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
