Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
