guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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