I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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