oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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