I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
