totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
