I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dear god my vagina.
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