what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
