I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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