nut hugger
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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