Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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