Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i out mim tonsoeep
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
