the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
