dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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