I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When did angry sex become our thing?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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