his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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